You know Etsy?!
That place that brought us sperm wallpaper and chair socks?
No? Under which rock have you been living lately? You don’t know about sperm wallpaper? Did I just start this article with 5 questions? Are you kidding me?
It got addictive, sorry.
So yeah, Etsy is this weird platform where people sell their inventions. And there’s one teeny tiny invention that stands out.
Now, if you know me, this means it’s either:
- something that tastes like chocolate,
- something that keeps MY feet warm (sorry chair socks… not interested!)
- OR something that gives me orgasm. Lots and lots of orgasm.
You’ve guessed it, you minx!
It’s The Magic Wand Toothbrush Vibrator
Yep. There’s this toothbrush vibrator I absolutely adore, that moves looks like a toothbrush, is a toothbrush, but is not ONLY a toothbrush. It’s also a vibrator.
Now you’re all like… Yeah, yeah…
That’s old news.
We have heard about toothbrush vibrators. Maybe we’re ignorant when it comes to sperm wallpaper, but toothbrush vibrators we know.
What’s so great about toothbrush vibrators anyway?
Well, nothing really. Most of them suck.
But this particular one on Etsy is quite a charmer.
Let me explain why.
Do you know the magic wand? THE Magic Wand? As in, THE HITACHI MAGIC WAND?Can’t wait to come back home to you, my love!
Of course, you do…
- It’s that thing you think about whenever a TINDER date goes wrong.
- It’s that thing you think about during bad sex.
- It’s that thing you think about during Christmas dinner when your drunk uncle explains how the moon landing was filmed in a studio and the Obama’s are aliens.
The Magic Wand is what we call the Elon Musk of vibrators.
It’s the best of the best, finest of the finest.
VIBRATIONS VS. OSCILLATIONS
And why is the Magic Wand so fine, so fine it blows your mind? BECAUSE IT DOESN’T VIBRATE.
The Magic Wand oscillates. *MIND=BLOWN* What’s an oscilation, you ask? That’s just a fancy word for moving quickly from side to side. Like a tongue, or a finger, or a nose in an Eskimo kiss.
Regular vibrators don’t do that.
They have a motor inside that wobbles.
Imagine a fly without a wing desperately struggling to escape an approaching spider. It looks like a wiggly belly. Something like this.
This is how your phone vibrates, this is how your bullet massager vibrates, this is how most vibrators vibrate.
Engineers call it a LOW-AMPLITUDE VIBRATION. Because the power is… well… low.
The rule is this: the bigger the motor the stronger the vibration.
- That’s why you can’t orgasm with an iPhone (small-sized motor).
- You can barely orgasm with a bullet massager (middle-sized motor).
- And you can orgasm quite well with a big vibrator. (huge-sized motor).
Now say hello to HIGH-AMPLITUDE OSCILLATIONS.
This type of vibration has been used in medical research to treat erectile dysfunction in men and inhibited sexual desire in women.
Doctors use linear motors, which, unlike rotary motors, produce pulsation, a side-to-side-movement that creates high-performance vibration and a FASTER ORGASM.
Just my cup of Vodka.
If you think about it, it makes sense!
Your doctor doesn’t have time to play Barry White, feed you grapes, and give you back massages for 20 minutes to get you in the mood. That’s why he needs a reliable tool.
Ok, now that you know all this, let’s go back to the MAGIC WAND.
Do you understand now why so many women are crazy about the Magic Wand?
Yeah, but my head is spinning. Where does this Etsy thing fit in? What’s with the ELON MUSK TOOTHBRUSH MAGIC WAND VIBRATOR!!!???
My Goodness, I’m on it! We don’t need to lose our temper. I’m getting there!
Well, get there FASTER!!!
You sound just like my ex. That’s why I left him for the Magic Wand! You have been warned.
THE ELON MUSK TOOTHBRUSH MAGIC WAND VIBRATOR
Or however you prefer to call it, is a little hack invented by an Etsy seller.
It’s basically a Magic Wand but insted of the body of the Magic Wand you have a tootbrush and instead of the head you have a plastic raspberry.
The principle is the same. It makes you orgasm like crazy, but it’s much more practical than the huge Wand and a lot cuter.
SEE??? I made my point eventually. Now let’s be friends again. Here are some chair socks. 🙂
They say you should use your toothbrush twice a day. But that was before the invention of the toothbrush vibrator. Now you use it until you drain the batteries!
It might be the 20 orgasms talking, but WOW! What a great time to be alive.
A quick Google search for “sexual accidents during masturbation” gives you an incredible list of the most shameful ways to visit the emergency room.
And surprise, surprise.
95% of the heroes who come to the ER with a bottle of Coke up their ass are men.
This makes one wonder if a man really landed on the moon, and if so — how?