A quick Google search for “sexual accidents during masturbation” gives you an incredible list of the most shameful ways to visit the emergency room.

And surprise, surprise.

95% of the heroes who come to the ER with a bottle of Coke up their ass are men.

This makes one wonder if a man really landed on the moon, and if so — how?

But hey, innovation is a double-edged sword.

If it goes badly, it can put you into a hospital, but if it goes well, it feels “A-MA-ZING”.

Or at least this is what a random internet guy said after he masturbated with a banana.

So, girls, let’s learn from the guys, and get a bit more creative when it comes to our masturbation routine.

Shall we?

But wait!

When I say innovation, I don’t mean putting a dildo on a chainsaw and calling it “childo”.

I mean something more vanilla… like putting a cucumber inside your vagina.

Yeah, it’s weird.

But it feels really amazing and it’s also healthy.

And safe!

How I Masturbate With a Cucumber

Here’s what I like to do.

  • I peel a cucumber and put it in the microwave for 5-10 seconds
  • I squeeze it in my hand to feel the temperature inside (CAREFUL! IT IS HOTTER INSIDE) — reheat or wait to cool down if necessary
  • I lay comfortably on the bed
  • I put the cucumber inside my vagina
  • I use a clitoris vibrator on my pink nub (here’s my favorite use code OHACKERS for Free Shipping)
  • And I orgasms as much as I want

woman holding a cucumber and a vibrator

When you put a cucumber inside your vagina, as you masturbate using a vibrator, the inside walls of your vagina contract and push against the cucumber.

This makes the orgasms 100 times better than clitoral stimulation without anything inside.

And also.

It strengthens your pelvic muscles…

because what you’re actually doing is Kegel Exercises, but with a cucumber.

And yet, the best part is

Masturbating with a cucumber doesn’t only feel fresh but it’s also restoring the natural pH level of my vagina.

Susun Weed explains in her book Down There that “a healthy vagina has a pleasant odor, a slightly sour taste, and is naturally “self-cleansing”.

However, if the woman has a poor diet (lots of sugar), the pH of her vagina might change.

In these cases, the vagina becomes acidic, and the cucumber (which is an alkaline food) can help restore the pH level.

A cucumber is a cheap and easy way to keep your vagina happy.


Read next: How to use your electric toothbrush as a vibrator




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